One of my all-time favorite movies includes the line
"I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery."
While the situation the Griswolds find themselves in (create, really) is hysterical and exaggerated, it still rings true. We all try to cram too many things into the short period of time around the holidays. Families with school-aged kids have concerts, plays, parties; some companies have holiday parties that feel like a longer-than-usual work day; family members from out-of-town want to visit (or be visited); and of course there is the eternal pressure of finding the perfect gift, decorating the house, baking cookies, and hosting an elaborate Christmas dinner. Ugh. It is all too much sometimes!!
I’ve personally been feeling it more than usual this year. Part of me wants to just go setup my tent in some quiet forest and not come back until it is 2026. But that obviously isn’t reasonable, so I’ve been doing some research on how to navigate the holiday stress and I figured I might as well share it with all of y’all.
First Aid: how to handle the moment
My usual go-to is the “Bathroom Break” where I go hide in the restroom for five minutes. Ideally I’ll splash some cold water on my face then sit and close my eyes and focus on breathing for a few minutes. Then wash my hands with nice warm water, one more deep breath, then head back out.
Another idea used with kids a lot is called Sensory Grounding. The idea is to reduce anxiety by focusing your thoughts on the present instead of the future. This is done by finding:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
Radical Boundary Setting: how to protect your future self
You do not have to be everything to everyone. Protecting your energy is not selfish; it is necessary. You can reduce your commitments with the following strategies:
Edit Your Calendar: Look at your remaining commitments. Pick one that you are dreading and cancel it. You can simply say, "I’ve realized I’ve over-committed myself this week and won’t be able to make it. I hope you have a wonderful time!"
Set Time Limits: If you must attend an event, decide beforehand how long you will stay. "I’d love to come, but I can only stay for an hour." Having a planned exit strategy can significantly lower anxiety.
Financial Boundaries: If gift-giving is causing stress, suggest a change. Most people are relieved when someone else suggests doing a "Secret Santa" or a "kids-only" gift exchange to save money.
Adjusting Expectations: is this for you or Instagram?
Much of holiday stress comes from the gap between reality and the "Hallmark movie" version of the holidays we imagine. We all want to make the “perfect Christmas” but need to realize and accept that that is simply not a realistic goal.
Drop the Perfectionism: A store-bought pie is fine. Digital cards (or no cards) are fine. A messy house is fine. People usually remember the laughter and the connection, not the centerpieces.
Grieve if You Need To: The holidays can highlight loss and loneliness. If you aren't feeling "merry," don't force it. Acknowledge that this year is hard, and give yourself permission to feel sad rather than exhausting yourself trying to pretend you are happy.
Create a "Do Nothing" Block: Schedule time on your calendar labeled "Holiday Rest." Treat it as seriously as a doctor's appointment. This is time for you - to read, nap, or stare at the ceiling.
Stay healthy: a healthy body promotes a healthy mind
Stress depletes your physical reserves. You can handle emotional stress better if your biological needs are met.
Prioritize Sleep: Everything feels more unmanageable when you are exhausted.
Hydrate: Between the coffee, alcohol, and salty foods, dehydration is common during the holidays and can mimic feelings of anxiety.
Move Your Body: You don't need a rigorous workout. A 15-minute walk outside in the fresh air can help metabolize stress hormones. Plus it can get you away from people for a short time!
Work to Change Your Inner Monologue
This is a difficult and long-term project, but you can start it today and see some quick results. In psychology there is a concept called the “Tyranny of the Shoulds.” This is a phrase coined by psychoanalyst Karen Horney to describe the impossible standards we set for our ideal selves.
When you use the word "should," you are not describing reality; you are arguing with it. You are imposing a strict rule on yourself, and when you inevitably fail to meet that rule, the result is guilt, shame, or resentment.
A "should" statement is a cognitive distortion. It turns a preference or a tradition into a moral obligation. When you say, "I should make everything from scratch," you are setting up a binary outcome. Maybe you do it, but you are exhausted. You don't feel proud; you just feel relief that you didn't "fail." Or you buy store-bought food and you feel like a failure or a "bad host." The result of the “should” is to rob you of satisfaction. You are motivated by fear of criticism (internal or external) rather than by love or desire.
During the holidays we often run on autopilot using “shoulds” for many of our thoughts. Common examples are:
The Emotional Should: "I should be feeling happy and grateful right now." (Reality: You might be tired, grieving, or just annoyed. Forcing happiness usually leads to "meta-emotions" aka feeling bad about feeling bad.)
The Social Should: "I should say yes to every invite to show I care." (Reality: Presence requires energy. If you show up drained, you aren't really there.)
The Traditional Should: "We should have the dinner at my house because we always have." (Reality: Traditions are meant to serve the people, not the other way around. If the tradition is hurting the people, it needs to change.)
So how do we go about making this change?
Step 1: Change "Should" to "Could"
"Should" implies you have no choice (it's a prison). "Could" implies possibility (it's a menu). Instead of thinking "I should go to the neighborhood party." think "I could go to the neighborhood party." This re-framing shows that you have options. You could go, or you could stay home. The pressure valve releases slightly.
Step 2: Change "Could" to "Choose To" (or "Choose Not To")
Now that you see the options, make an active decision based on the consequences you are willing to accept.
The "Should" Trap | The Empowered Choice (Re-frame) | The Outcome |
|---|---|---|
"I should buy gifts for everyone in the office." | "I choose not to buy gifts for everyone because my budget is tight this year." | You might feel a moment of awkwardness, but you save your financial health. |
"I should host the family dinner." | "I choose to host, but I will ask everyone to bring a dish." | You keep the tradition but remove the martyrdom. |
"I should visit my difficult in-laws." | "I choose to visit for two hours because I love my partner and want to support them." | You stop feeling like a victim and start feeling like a supportive partner with a time limit. |
One other thing I was taught was that when a “should” pops into your head you can ask two questions to help determine how important it is:
“Who says?” Is this written in a law book? Is this necessary for survival? Is this a rule I made up 10 years ago that no longer fits my life? Is this my mother/father/society speaking, rather than me? If the answer isn't "Me, because I genuinely want to," then that "should" is a candidate for deletion.
“Will it matter in one (five/ten) year(s)?” Some things feel important in the moment, but when we look back they are lost to the mists of time. If your “should” won’t be important in the future, then why does it need to be important now?
It’s OK to fail
None of this is easy. Setting boundaries, changing how you mentally approach situations - none of it comes naturally. So have some grace with yourself (and others) this holiday season. Try to remember that not everything is a competition and there is no need to fall into the marketing trap of “perfection”. Be true to yourself, your loved-ones, and your values. The rest will work itself out.